Richie Norton

Just like negativity in a relationship feeds on more negativity until it spirals into muck, so too can something good lead to more of the same. A kind word, a wink, a joke, a choice to consciously turn an argument or a conversation around can lead to more goodwill and grace and room to breathe. Never underestimate the power you have to decide who you want to be in your relationship and trust in the momentum of good feeling. It’s powerful stuff!

Being understood is an amazing thing! When I really try to understand how my husbands brain and feelings work and vice versa . then we can better work together, communicate, and show each other love in the way that we each like (or understand) best!

My wisdom is limited to one month of engagement, but I appreciate reading this as we prepare to be married. I like your advice on courage and would add the prefix en to make it encourage, as well.

take risks together! live life in a way that allows growth. Don’t get stuck in the day to day when there are people to help, sacrifices to make, and ideas to make into a reality. Could you fail? Yes you could, but the lessons learned in failing can be put toward the next success. as I have done this with my spouse we have learned to stick together, rely on each other, focus on higher purposes, and make waves!

“Successful marriages are not made up of two perfect people, but of two imperfect people who have learned the value of forgiveness and grace.”
This counsel along with a concentrated effort toward continued dating and away time for our relationship outside of the role of mom and dad is one of the most important things we do to strengthen our marriage. We make sure we do a small getaway each year even if its just shipping the kids to grandmas. It has been invaluable for us to build these memories and decompress together from our daily lives.

If you wake up each day with a self less attitude of how can I make my spouses life better today…I also believe it is a powerful way to stay connected for years to come.

I just celebrated 14 years with my #1.

Thanks for your words and inspiration!!

Two things:
1-always give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Nine out of ten times, he (or she) didn’t actually mean to offend, irritate, frustrate you. Then kindly ask him about whatever offended, irritated, or frustrated you–give him a chance to explain and them explain why it made you feel how you did.

2- if you do for your spouse, it will come back to you tenfold. Small acts of kindness go a long, long way. And doing even a handful of things each day does not take much effort, just some thoughtfulness and planning.

REminisce. remember the goofy things you did before and discuss again and again how you met, first impressions, and so on.

One thing that has been consistent for us in our marriage and has definately worked for us has been to make sure there was a balance in our roles as husband and wife. Meaning that we worked together whether it be house work, establishing and following childrens routines, “me time” and “our time”. We knew that if we were doing these things together that ther would be no any room for arguments andwe would always be on the same page most of the time! We have seen so many blessings come into our lives simply because we chose to make this a priority in our marriage.

Small acts of love/service on a regular basis are very therapeutic. Waking up early to make a lunch, leaving a love note on the mirror, doing your spouse’s least favorite chore, etc. This has helped us. Happy 6 years today :)

Remember to be grateful. Grateful that you found someone to share your life with and to love you, when so many are still searching. Grateful that you were brought together, when a wrong turn could have so easily taken you down a different path, and away from one another. Grateful for the small things like having someone to take out the trash, and for the big things – in my case: a beautiful new baby, and finally finding a sense of home in someone. But most importantly, sharing that gratitude and appreciating one another every single day.

Don’t underestimate the importance of a healthy sexual relationship. kick the kids out of your bed. hire a sitter if you need to. but don’t let life get in the way of the intimacy that naturally draws to people together in a way that only sex can. be responsive to each other’s needs. there are many days you’re “too tired” to go to work, but you do it anyway. your spouse is more important than work, so leave the excuses (and your clothes) at the door and find out how much you can do while “tired.” :-)

My favorite is #10-slow down, relax, and take vacations….lots of them!!! I’m a huge fan of this because I believe enjoying life and all it has to offer is what brings joy and happiness in to your life. Being able to share that with your spouse is even better & SO important!!! We’ve done a good Job at going on lots of trips together & a lot of ppl wonder how or even why we’d spend so much money on that. But to me, if you think it’s important, you’ll find away. Even when we were both broke college students with babies we still found a way to travel. My answer to how is just treating travel like a bill each month. And to those that wonder why wed spend that kind of money, well, I just feel plain ole sorry for them. Hahaha! No but foreo though!! Lol. I feel sorry for those ppl that are too afraid to take some time out to enjoy life. To me the cost is absolutely 100% worth it!

And lastly, I know what u mean about not being able to focus sometimes on what the other person is saying. That can be very hard for me too and i always catch myself in my own world, but it’s because like you, my brain is always thinking. Constantly. Sometimes I can’t even get sleep at night cuz my brain just won’t stop, but I’m definitely going to try and be better about that part. Oh and the right thing too. it’s like I always wanna be right. And why?!! I freakin have no idea. HAhahaha!

Anyways, I hope I win!! Haha’ spencer and I have recently jumped off the school wagon and want to jump on the business wagon, but almost everything I suggest, he thinks is stupid, and almost everything he suggests, I think is stupid!! Hahaha! (Ok so that was a little exaggerated. Haha. But seriously, we are having the hardest time agreeing on something to do/start.) especially since living I hawaii is already tough financially as it is. Aaaannnnyways….sorry for the novel…..best seminary teacher dis erff!! You were inspiring then and you are still inspiring now…even though I haven’t seen you or your wife in years (I was following her blog for a while too & you both are amazing!!) ps-thanks to one of your books I paid the extra money to go all the way to the top of the Empire State Building a few months ago ….and you were so right. Paying a little extra for the better view was SO worth it!!

Talk about past experiences. Whether it’s from your respective childhoods, time before you met or even past shared experiences – you will be amazed at the different insights you will discover, laugh about and feel deeper respect and closeness through realizing. It’s in the revisiting that you find out different motivations and emotions that were in your head, but your spouse might never have realized. You may believe you know everything about your spouse or those same old stories, but believe me it isn’t true. After 16 years, my husband and I are continually delighted by what we discover about each other by simply reminiscing – but instead of telling the same old stories – asking each other different questions we realize we’ve always wondered about.

after 40 years of marriage, here’s what I know: little things can mean a lot-holding hands, kissing good night/good morning, being polite and respectful with one another, and our bonus–we keep a hide a heart in play as our perpetual love note.

Here are our two cents worth:

PRIORITIZE INTIMACY. About the time that we were married seven years ago, I read a book with a brief paragraph that for me diversified my definition of intimacy. It spoke of intimacy not only in the bedroom sense of the term, but also intimacy at play, at work, intimacy on an emotional and intellectual, intimacy in service, etc. As we have prioritized intimacy in various facets of our life, such as intimacy at work (talking while doing the dishes together after the kids to bed), or intellectual intimacy (watching TED talks together and discussing them), or intimacy in service (watching a friend’s kids, or preparing a meal for another family), we have been enriched by our time to connect. A bonus of seeking out intimate time together is that when we see each other in action, we are attracted to each other with more than just bedroom attraction – we have a chance to be attracted to each other’s smarts, to the ways we each contribute to our home life, and to the kindness we see in each other as we serve our friends and neighbors, side by side.

REMEMBER: WE ARE NOT A STATISTIC. This is our family motto, and we have had to use it at the crossroads of many intense life situations. Sometimes being a statistic can be comfortable because it means that we’re not alone, but more often than not we feel like it impairs our ability to see what we can become as a couple and as a family. We use it as our mantra to remind us of our freedom to make decisions that will bring us the most happiness.

KEEP READING. I can’t tell you how many times reading has made an impact on how we do things. Reading about communication helps us to change bad habits we’ve grown into, reading about leadership enhances our approach to our children and each other, and reading about marriage and love improves how we treasure our relationship. Reading insightful literature and articles challenges us to evaluate our status quo and become better partners and friends.

Thanks Richie!

Never give up on each other. My husband and I are constantly figuring out who we are as a couple and what we want out of our lives. It has given us a lot of stress and confusion, for us as a couple and as parents. But I am forever grateful that my husband and I have agreed on one thing: we won’t give up. He doesn’t give up on his role as my husband and the father of our children, and in turn I don’t give up on him, on us, and on me. It makes all the trials worth it because we know that that determination to keep going builds our love for each other and keeps our marriage in proper perspective.

I love this list, though. I agree with everything, and there are great points I can add to our marriage as well!

Develop Christ like love towards your spouse, show them compassion, be humble, pray together, and pray for them. put God first, and then your spouse and you will find true joy in your marriage.

Great list!!! I did a blog post not that long ago with my 13 marriage lessons for our 13th anniversary too.. http://rhondasteed.com/13-years

I’ve been married for over 31 years to the same woman. The tips you shared are awesome, and there are many similar ways couples can develop that work for them. For us I like to narrow it down to two words: “Don’t Leave.”

Now, there are exceptions to that, like spousal abuse or values differences that become too divisive. But any two people who are together almost all the time for decades are going to have issues. Some people, when the going gets tough, leave – have an affair, walk out, whatever – they end their relationship.

If, instead, when the relationship gets rocky, maybe boring, maybe just so much happening it gets tense, maybe feeling like you’re just no longer in love, just don’t leave. Keep living together. Do the thinks you’ve always done, like go to the movies, eat at restaurants together, shop together, or not. Just don’t leave. Over time, often a very short time, it comes back, that love, that “we’re in this together” feeling, and things get better. And then things get great again.

Even when you feel like it’s “over,” don’t leave.

it is okay to go to bed angry. staying up late trying to sort things out is not typically productive as tired minds aren’t clear and a good nights sleep can bring insight and perspective. wake up and start a new day. if the issue is still pressing when you wake, write it down then discuss it.

What we have learned is that you have to love yourself to love another. We have been through hardships and wonderful times. Most people would have called it quits after our first year of marriage, we lost everything you can think of. We did not get help from my family for certain reason, so Jim being the strong and supportive husband that he always has been called his family to ask if we could live with them. We packed up our apartment in one day and moved down to Phoenix with nothing more that 250.00 to our name. All that money went to paying his cousin for gas to drive up to pick us up and to drive us to Phoenix. There were great days and then there were days that I have chosen not to remember. But we held strong to each other and to the Lord. Family ties are healed now, but the best thing we have learned is that we are stronger together than when we are divided. We always talk, we share our feelings and thoughts, our dreams, our fears, just everything. To make a marriage last is to be your spouse’s best friend. I know I can always count on Jim to be in my corner. I will always be in his, no matter the situation or anything. When we made our vows in the LDS Temple to be together for time and all eternity we knew we were in this for all the good and bad times, but untied as a strong family front to show our future kids love and faith can overcome anything.

12 years, 2 continents, 7 addresses, 4 kids – and we’re still married! I love my wife, and am grateful for your input Richie. Here are some points I’d add:

Go to bed at the same time. This helps couples stay connected. Getting a good night’s sleep boosts health and positivity as well.

Share something spiritual daily. If you pray, pray. Together.

Learn something new. Individually and together. Don’t be afraid to tackle a new project or task just because it is new.

Let the big decisions be unanimous. There is no room for inequality.

Cook and eat together.

Create family traditions. They have an amazing power to bring the family together.

Share sweet poems, thoughts and texts. Letting each other know that we’re thinking of each other makes our days that much brighter.

Talk and work on the things that are difficult. Don’t pretend they don’t exist.

For me (and most guys) it is important to learn the diffence between really listening (and just listening) — and fixing things. Big difference.

Surprise each other in positive ways.

Take pictures at least monthly.

Embrace the smelly underwear.

I can’t even begin to imagine the number of times I have griped and groaned about stinky laundry. Sort, wash, fold, put away, repeat. Then one day I had a medical scare. (Praise The Lord JUST a scare) I was home alone which rarely happens and wanted, no…needed the arms of my husband around me more than ever before. Trying to stay busy, I began doing mindless chores and came upon the pole of dirty laundry and so I began to sort it in preparation to wash. As I picked through socks and jeans, t-shirts and pajamas, I kept tossing each into its respective pile when I came across a pair of boxer shorts that my husband got as a birthday gift from our then 6year old son. My husband is a plain cotton boxer guy and unbeknownst to me our son had bought him bright yellow and orange Homer Simpson boxer shorts, a show we have never even turned on in our home!! My husband embraced the gift as if it was from his very favorite tv show and our son was so proud and my heart exploded into tiny bits at both their generosity and love.

In that moment I did the unthinkable…I embraced the smelly underpants. I laughed and cried with myself and Homer Simpson sitting in the middle of a mountain of stinky dirty laundry and thanked god for those underwear and everything they stand for in this home and in our family. Those dirty clothes smelled like everything that makes up my heart and soul and for a moment I was reluctant to wash any of it in fear I wouldn’t get to smell those smells ever again. (I did eventually wash the laundry)

Stupid smelly underpants made me realize how grateful I am for the little things. Little things like wearing uncomfortable elastic waist underpants because someone you love got them for you and has given me an overwhelming appreciation for the man I married.

Many people have this concept of give and take. As in, the relationship is 50% give and 50% take (you scratch my back, then I’ll scratch your back). In practice, that equation more likely resembles 30% give and 70% take. Not that we are bad people, but we might put more weight into our own contributions and either not notice or not appreciate our companions’ contributions.

I believe that happiness comes from service. We should have the mentality of giving 100% and expecting 0%. Incidentally, when we have that mentality, both spouses are likely to give 100%. We reciprocate kindness and it truly leads to a wholesome relationship. You might even say that when the ratio is 100:0, we lose ourselves individually but find ourselves collectively. That’s what a marriage should be.

i think it’s very important in marriage to not give up on your individual dreams, goals, and aspirations. Having goals and dreams gives so much spice to life, it gives us hope, something to look forward to and a feeling of sweet satisfaction in working towards. often times as women we give up or delay our dreams to sacrifice for our partner’s and children’s convenience. marriage is about sacrifice but it shouldn’t be one sided, I strongly believe a mark of a strong marriage is one that bends but doesn’t break, if your goal is to continue with your education and for some reason it’s just too hard for your partner to accept and be flexible to work with then your marriage isn’t strong enough. marriage should be liberating and we should allow our spouses to grow , evolve, and flourish in marriage. I love this quote from a Margaret hinkley she said of our beloved prophet Pres. Gordon b. Hinkley , “You have always given me wings to fly, and I have loved you for it.” In marriage we need to cherish the gift of oneanother’s being, for we are all unique and loved by our heavenly father.

Do more than your share
Someone once told me that marriage is not a 50-50 relationship.
being married is actually 100-100. We have to do, give, and be the best we can be in order for it to work.

Match … like you did for your homecoming dance in high school. Every sunday for nearly 9 years (as well as on other special occasions and dates) my husband and I have coordinated our outfits. Usually it just means my husband picks his tie based on what I’m wearing. This doesn’t sound like much, but it shows we are still willing to be mushy and cheesy. It means we’ve taken the time to look at each other and notice one another (which is hard to do with 3 small children keeping us busy). It shows we are still trying to look good for the other person. Sure, it is the cheesiest thing ever, but then again, it reminds us of when we first fell in love and were newlyweds. It makes us happy.

Oh oh oh – One More. Sorry. I am full of these things. This is from my own life. When I am feeling upset and disconnected from my wife, I try to do something almost immediately to be a “super husband.” I try to be that guy that every woman would LOVE to have as her husband. For instance, if I am having a rough time with something, I make my wife some herbal tea. I was a little miffed yesterday about something and we had a little spat. Today she woke up to our room transformed into a spa. There were candles lit, she was awakened by soothing instrumental music, the scent of lavender, and the massage table (a great investment for any married couple) set up. I gently pulled her out of bed (don’t worry – this is G rated) and layed her on the massage table and gave her a nice relaxing massage. Afterward we spent the rest of the day together doing stuff. We fall deeper and deeper in love. So – the moral is – give service… especially when things get bumpy. A rose on her pillow with a short note saying how much I love her does wonders. Bringing home her favorite dinner when she is not expecting it is priceless. Bragging her up to your friends shows her that you are proud to be with her. Lots of little nice things make for one big successful marriage experience. Its awesome!

Never stop talking to each other, respecting each other, and loving each other.

Reminisce about your dating days and laugh at all the things you used to do to impress each other. Recreate dates or times you thought were the best! We have fun all the time and never take each other too seriously!

Love this… And the story that you and your wife are telling. For me, one of the greatest PRACTICES for our marriage has been looking for the good in each other. It can be so easy to start to see flaws. And yet, it is so easy to find the good – once we start searching for it. I ache that I only realized that this year. I need to give myself to seeing the best in him. Even if you can only start with “he smells nice” – cling to it and keep looking. I’m finding that the more I look – the more I see – but if I don’t start – I could miss it all. So i try to give myself to finding all the good, sharing it, telling him, shouting it from the rooftops. The other important thing? I need to do the same for myself and receive it when he shares it. Shame and negativity suffocates love.

One of the best pieces of advice my husband and I received when we got married was this: “The grass isn’t greener on the other side…but where you WATER it more.”

I think in times of trials pulling together made us stronger not only physically but spiritually . We have never been able to conceive a big righteous desire right and it could have ripped us apart but we worked hard followed our hearts and that still small voice inside to do more together to cover and lean on each other through our pain . Which eventually lead us to four beautiful children adopted through LDS family services . We went through root coasters to get them buy that fire drove us stronger together with blessings and miracles we never thought we’d see in this life. He is my best friend and I can’t imagine our live any other way then together growing stronger every year working in 17 years together . ( great article I t on my blog last week :) you two are inspiring !!

We met when we were 18 and will be celebrating 11 years together this October – Not of legal marriage, but of exclusive commitment. Was it “stupid” to spend our college years and twenty-somethings with the same significant other? Some might have said so. But we were keenly aware that there was a reason we’d come together, if only to support one another on a journey through this sometimes crazy world.

We knew that relationships take work and were willing to put in the effort. One of the things that’s helped the most is recognizing that though we share much of our lives together, we also are separate individuals with differing passions and goals. Giving each other the space and, most importantly, the trust to pursue them, has helped us grow and evolve as human beings and as a union. We went to colleges in different towns at different times; I lived in Prague; he traveled through Spain. The list goes on, but through it all we were open and honest with both ourselves and each other.

Love your 11 tips. Was a great nudge to reflect on our 11. Congrats to you and Nat and cheers to many more years!

Never name call when fighting! There is nothing more degrading to someone you love than to call them bad names. Keep your arguments to the issue at hand, don’t go for the kill by hitting where it hurts. My husband and I have always stayed true to this and our fights don’t last long. Neither of us are left licking our wounds after its done.

Encourage each other to dream. We often ask each other, “what do you want to do with your life?” We dream, support, and encourage ourselves to do better and be better.

Another thing I thought of was service. the best marriage advice I was ever given was to serve your spouse. When I serve my husband I learn so much more about the sacrifices he makes for our family. It makes me appreciate and love him more each day. By serving him I learn so much more about him and i am more understanding.

My last piece of advice is simple: makeout! Don’t forget what fun it is to be in love and be affectionate to your spouse.

Those are my three little pieces of advice, at three in morning i had to write this from my phone because I can’t wait to read everyone else’s responses. And ya know, I can’t read them until I write my own response because that is just cheating.

Assume the best! Not the worst. My husband always assumes I am saying or doing things out of love. He is the best!

tHE NEED FOR INDIVIDUAL PURSUITS TO BE ENCOURAGED AND SUPPORTED HAS BEEN ESSENTIAL FOR US. wHEN WE GIVE EACH OTHER TIME TO FILL OUR CUPS, WE RETURN WITH MUCH MORE TO GIVE. Thanks Richie (for some reason caps not working, ha)

11 years ago, after my wife and I were married I got this crazy notion to have flowers brought to her work space on the 11th of every month while I was deployed to parts of the world unknown. I returned from deployment in seven months. Now, it is precisely 11 years later and what joy it is to celebrate marriage with my wife of 11 years. This things that are planned like renewing covenant vows under a historical gazebo like the one we did for our second year anniversary. It is the little things that make the heart grow fonder. Thank you for this website.

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